Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
