Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
