a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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