That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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