I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
