...so i touched it.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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