Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
