3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
