So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize