my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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