I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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