Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
