hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize