Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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