She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
