It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
