I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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