If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize