I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
