I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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