im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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