As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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