I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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