Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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