did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
