my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
