There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
