Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
