How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
