my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
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