I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
