my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
