I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize