I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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