If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
