Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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