when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
