He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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