I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
