Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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