Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize