high people should be assigned attendants
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
