Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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