woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize