AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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