Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
