I wish I could teleport
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
