he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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