I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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