I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
