My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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