Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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