Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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