mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
