my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
