ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
me + whiskey = a bad person
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
