And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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