I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
