Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
