I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
