I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i will never coherently bang her
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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