you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
